pen pal

memories of you
are clammy and fat
in need of a wash
and some cardio

time to slim down
to forget the regret
to give up the guilt
and grow the fuck up

those lives won't be lived and
those ghosts had their fill
pale and purposeless things
bygones bygone

a planet out of whack

i dream about
wearing my father's face
while i watch
and wish
the mother's mother
a fond farewell.

her tired breath brings things
i'd never thought possible
for possible thought,
terrible words to
wreck and wound.

awake now,
and there are
thirty minus nine
left to go.

god damn it

the heart is not

enough and

i’ve never been

mine,

not even in sleep

ten and two or three

and i hate that i don’t

hate you

the heart is not

enough and

now you have him

i have unsettled skin

stalling the dreams

that are always about you

i’ll never not

wade in our weight

we were all i ever wanted

all of me will

always be yours

even if you don’t try anymore

Forever

i am full

and bloated

heavy with

what i watch

what i want

a sweaty web

dark and drooping

hung and stuffed

with all the sad shit

wet and unforgettable

i am higher than my dosage

yet lower than then

walking toward the heap

dug up there

detached and deep

still slouched and slow

stopped and seated,

my fingertips drawing hearts

on the backs of my hands

one again, one and open

the happysad

i'll go to a beach
with wet sand
white and grey

the sea will be cold
and the sky will be dark
it's warm here

with cold winds
i'll dress for summer
and stand in the water

i am at the happysad
on the ridge just beyond
and just before.

little film
lay grey
on already grey things
catching sighs,
gone listless

from a breath
gone float to
tumble,
got a tear or a fold

maybe kept still
on some piece,
or corner

then gone up again
for another while